Biography

RWP was born in Manchester, in the north of England, in the late 1950s, so he is very old. He really liked the north of England, which by 1965 was hip and had three TV channels, and where he went to a coed school. His parents, for reasons best known to themselves, then yanked him away, to Belfast and then Dublin, which had one TV channel that started up at 6 pm with the Angelus (Catholic call to prayer). He also had to go to an all boys school, where he realized he really missed girls. This probably let him focus on schoolwork, though, and at age 19, after he had finished college, he set off for America, where he still resides. He has a bachelors degree in biochemistry and a Ph.D. from Harvard in biophysics, and has lived also in Mainz, Germany, Setauket NY, and Richland WA. He currently divides his time between Nebraska, Rosslyn VA, and Florida.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

My design for an Obama Presidential Library

Given the tempest in a teapot over the Norfolk Obama Presidential Library/Outhouse (trenchant but legitimate, if perhaps crude, prairie humor, IMO) I thought I'd do a much more eggheaded proposal for the design of the Obama Presidential Library, to be located, of course, on Oahu. Here are the 12 highlights.

(1) NSA intercepts reading room; here, in quiet surroundings, you will be able to settle into a comfortable computer desk and read the private emails of thousand of your fellow Americans! Find out what they think of their girlfriend's mother! Find out what they think about their boyfriends schlong! There will be selfies galore! And sexts! Even Anthony Wiener sexts!!

(2)The 'most transparent administration ever' FOIA room. With the help of our trained docents, yuu will be guided through the process of submitting a valid federal FOIA request. After submission, you can return in 2 or 3 years to pick up a genuine facsimile of a government document, with all but the words 'and' and 'the' redacted!

(3)'If you like your plan, you can keep your plan' healthcare center. After checking all your stuff with the guard at the door, you will experience a stunning multimedia experience, bouncing from '404 Page Not Found' to 'This server is temporarily busy, serving thousands of other customers' pages, until you finally get to select your very own healthcare plan, at only twice what you were paying last year! Then, on the way out, will will keep all your old stuff, but give you a bunch of new stuff you didn't want! Be sure to do this early, ss prices are going up up up!

(4) The Susan Rice Aviary. Watch and listen as carefully trained parrots squawk out dozens of human-sounding expressions, from 'It was all an internet video' to 'Iran will not be allowed to build nuclear weapons'.

(5) The 'Executive Order' whack a mole game! You get to play a Supreme Court Justice, trying to whack down Obama's unconstitutional actions as they pop up. You have to be sharp; when it comes to violating the constitution, no President has been as active as Mr. Obama.

(6) The 'Foreign Policy' reading room. This is completely unlit, and nobody knows what's going on in there, except it isn't good.

(7) The Obama toilet. No, it ain't an outhouse! This opulent, Hollywood-furnished pissoir (thanks, John Kerry!) has gold plated toilet paper holders which dispense copies of the constitution on soft, 3-ply tissue, as well as floor mats carefully inscribed with the words of the Fourth Amendment.

...and for the kids
(8) The Drone Targeting game. Here you get to select targets: 'wedding', 'orphanage', 'Tea Party', 'Samuel Alito', and 'Taliban*' But be careful. There's a 10% chance your drone may hit something you didn't expect!
*this may at any time be changed to 'Israel', depending on John Kerry's mood.

(9) The 'Fast and Furious' Massive Multiplayer Game. A true innovation. Like no other online game, Fast and Furious lets you earn weapons for your enemies, not yourself. Then they invade your territory and kill your guys! And if you make it through to the end, you get rewarded with a 'Contempt of Congress' sticker!

...and finally
(10) The Presidential Newspaper Reading Room, where copies of USA Today will brief you on all the shite your administration has been up to these last 6 years, while you were golfing on the...

(11) 36 Hole Private Presidential Golf-course. You can even play the course, for a $100,000 donation to Organizing for America!

...and last, but not least...
(12) The IRS 'what's your politics?' quiz. A simple online game that will challenge whether your political views are correct. But be careful! Score too low, and you'll trigger an audit!

Now, all together, 1, 2, 3, RWP is a racist!

2 comments:

  1. It needs an animatronic Obama reading his speeches 24/7. It would be more Turing compliant than the real thing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You left out the Tomb of the Unknown Teleprompter Memorial ...

    ReplyDelete